Thursday, March 10, 2005


Whew - just when you think you think you have been through your quota of changes for a while - WHAM! Here comes the next round.

Lately my heart and mind have been twisted (along with my colon & leg!) with indecision and some kind of turmoil I could not completely comprehend. I attributed it to my lack of sticking to a quiet time each morning - it was an easy answer. Easy, yes, true - only the tip of the iceberg!

First, I was friends with Steve, a married gentleman, who I considered nothing more than a brother in Christ, but, I discovered, I had let get too familiar. I never considered him anything other than a friend, in fact, my first friend who was a male. What I failed to consider is that he lacked my black and white thinking, with no gray area between. I let things slide by me simply because my mind does not work to see small 'flirtations' or inappropriate behavior. Not until the events slapped me in the head (his speaking inappropriately about Kate, his wife - her three rules, don't look don't touch, and I was spacing out by the last one, his becoming increasingly emotional (i.e. crying, etc.) and intense) did I notice. I shouldn't have gone to lunch with him even once, but I thought of him only as a fellow Christian. I settled that today, and still find it so strange that he would even begin to think like that. Boy, I must have been asleep during the whole thing! I have never, and would never, act inappropriately towards anyone, either here at work, or outside of it. I have worked with mostly men my whole career, and never had this happen before. So, bye bye to another friend.

Then, Mom asked me, with a short notice, to come to Kansas and pack her. Okay, so the 'gotta pack, gotta clean, gotta figure out where I am going to get my protien, will I have enough strength to drive there, to pack her, where will I do all the special Easter things for R&R, am I ready to close the chapter of my life that the farm represents' thoughts flooded me.

If that wasn't enough, I am sensing that the church I have chosen isn't a good fit for us. I am the only single mother, I apparently am not in the same income bracket as they are, and when I gave my testimony I was looking into faces that could not even fathom going through anything other than get married, have kids, be a stay at home Mom. Then there is the fact that all the women dress in dresses and I prefer slacks during the winter. Did I mention we live 3 towns away?

Oh, and as a topper, my body is going haywire, I am probably going through menapause (which I could care less about, other than now I am thinking about osteoperosis & weak bones). Don't forget the big case of the blah's I have had.

So, to sum up, one less friend (of the 3 I had!), switching back to our old church, rushing home and possibly facing a flare up of my Anorexia, no planning for Easter. Easter - well, the bunny needs to bring socks for R&R this year (sad to say they are excited about it), and a small purse for Ms. R, and Mr. R's first wallet, and what will we bake this year for our traditional Easter goody?


That was my screaming.


Blogger Twyla said...

Wow. Lots going on, huh? I can SO relate. I am right there with you in the friend department...from going to a small church with 9 or 10 pretty good friends, to home church with 6-8 good friends, along with the big three (Angie, Robin, Carol), to an even smaller home church of two couples. Now Robin is out of the picture, Carol moved away and Angie moved away! Arghh! Thank God for Jen. She is a great friend...but she lives over an hour away and that inhibits things somewhat. And then there's you! My new sister/friend who is swiftly moving into the coveted kindred spirit category. (don't you feel special now - smile) I'm sorry about the guy thing. Geez, guys. That is the one and only good thing about being fat --- no guy worries. I sometimes wonder if I sabotage my weight loss efforts to hold on to that freedom.

As to the church thing -- I feel your pain. The whole dress up thing irritates me in it's divisiveness. I would suggest keeping one eye open for a casual, down-to-earth group that majors on being real instead of being a religious club. They're out there, just kind of hard to find sometimes. Have you done local searches on your computer?

11:58 AM  

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