Thursday, November 11, 2004

Two Steps Forward One Step Back

Why? Obviously I haven't learned what He wants me to from this struggle. Oh, how I tire of the struggle. Why go on? Will I be an odd ball all my life? Will I be able to handle this like other people do? Why am I such an extremist - hot or cold, black or white, wrong or right, yes or no, hate or love? God is distant from me right now - if he feels as I do, he has probably thrown in the towel, as most people in my life have done with me. I am cut from a different cloth than anyone I know, and that, in itself, is a struggle. God created me to be so unique as to have to struggle. Why? What purpose do you want from me, Father? How far can I go when I don't progress, but regress? Still, to walk in mud alone is unbearable, to know that I am not, that He gets me through even the thickest mire, is my rock by the wild waves.


Blogger Twyla said...

To be different is not a bad thing. It may be challenging, but what's a challenge to such as us - its like jumping into cold water. Shocking and breath-stealing but bracing and invigorating as well. Normal is boring and bland, as tasteless as weak, tepid coffee. We are the espresso of humanity! And don't feel alone. There are so many who feel "cut of a different cloth". And those who are "normal" secretly dream of being more colorful, favorful, passionate. You don't mention what your struggle is. My prayers are with you. Remember that struggle is universal. Immediate transformation is rare. More common is the slow steady change. Its a law of nature. That is the change that is lasting. Be gentle with yourself. Be compassionate. Be patient. Pretend you are a dear friend. Nurture yourself in recovery. I love you. You are very brave. I am so proud of you.

10:28 PM  

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