Wednesday, November 24, 2004

The Journey Continues.........

The time for rest is over. Where to go? What to do?
Trust in the Lord only.
Yes, it is time to put another state behind me.
Scared? No. Terrified? Definitely.
Yet, a since of anticipation, of wonder and excitement at what awaits after the next rolling hill, the next turn holds me fixed.
Alone? Together?
Let go and let God. That in itself is a mountain of tremendous altitude to me. Trust God - fall back on him, eyes closed?
A fellow traveler mentioned that he was blown away by my astiute intelligence. Instead of 'thank you', my response was 'why?'
Yes, you could say I have '...miles to go before I sleep...'
Father, please give me traveling mercies, courage, discernment, and, most of all, conviction when needed!

Thursday, November 18, 2004

Rest Stop

At mile marker 39 I reach what I have longed for, what has driven me - a rest stop. No, not one filled with games, companionship, riches, fame; instead this one has the literal meaning - a rest stop.
My journey is not over, as it will go on for eternity (Praise God). God has led me, saved me, conformed me, put me through, what I heard for the first time yesterday, the 'eye of the needle', and I have come out more whole and healed than ever before in my life.
To finally have had the strength to stand up to an unhealthy situation, one that, during the majority of my journey so far, I would have just stayed in. To stand up and say, 'No, I will not accept this treatment; no, I will not accept that this is as good as it gets, no, I will not accept this as God's will' no, I will not continue to let you try to control and manipulate me; no, no, no.'
To have finally taken care of my health, mental, emotional and physical, for the first time in my life.
To finally accept love from people, to accept that the fact that I am actually lovable.
To rest
To rest in God's arms
To trust him to take care of me, to never forsake me
At last

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Two Steps Forward One Step Back

Why? Obviously I haven't learned what He wants me to from this struggle. Oh, how I tire of the struggle. Why go on? Will I be an odd ball all my life? Will I be able to handle this like other people do? Why am I such an extremist - hot or cold, black or white, wrong or right, yes or no, hate or love? God is distant from me right now - if he feels as I do, he has probably thrown in the towel, as most people in my life have done with me. I am cut from a different cloth than anyone I know, and that, in itself, is a struggle. God created me to be so unique as to have to struggle. Why? What purpose do you want from me, Father? How far can I go when I don't progress, but regress? Still, to walk in mud alone is unbearable, to know that I am not, that He gets me through even the thickest mire, is my rock by the wild waves.