Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Learning From Experience

Yep, I can act very high and mighty, and see how far I have come. However, whenever I make the mistake of doing that, I fall back into old patterns and ways of behavior. Humility is a lesson not easily learned or maintained.
Looking into Romelia's eyes I see her hopes and expectations for me and for her future - how frightening! Lord, please do not let her suffer as I have - please don't visit the sins of me onto her. She deserves so much more! Don't let her hurt as I have!
Nope, I am not high and mighty, but I am mighty good at avoiding things I don't want to deal with!

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Changes, Part 2

If you don't rush in, and let the course of time work as it needs to, much of the tiny details that overwhelm work out on their own.

Hense, we will be staying here for Easter, going back to our old church, and peace has settled on my heart.

I have never been a worrier, so why start?

That is the learning from this. Patience. Wait for the direction to come and not force it. Change my attitude and reaction, as they are the only things in this world I can control.

Ah, life.................

Thursday, March 10, 2005


Whew - just when you think you think you have been through your quota of changes for a while - WHAM! Here comes the next round.

Lately my heart and mind have been twisted (along with my colon & leg!) with indecision and some kind of turmoil I could not completely comprehend. I attributed it to my lack of sticking to a quiet time each morning - it was an easy answer. Easy, yes, true - only the tip of the iceberg!

First, I was friends with Steve, a married gentleman, who I considered nothing more than a brother in Christ, but, I discovered, I had let get too familiar. I never considered him anything other than a friend, in fact, my first friend who was a male. What I failed to consider is that he lacked my black and white thinking, with no gray area between. I let things slide by me simply because my mind does not work to see small 'flirtations' or inappropriate behavior. Not until the events slapped me in the head (his speaking inappropriately about Kate, his wife - her three rules, don't look don't touch, and I was spacing out by the last one, his becoming increasingly emotional (i.e. crying, etc.) and intense) did I notice. I shouldn't have gone to lunch with him even once, but I thought of him only as a fellow Christian. I settled that today, and still find it so strange that he would even begin to think like that. Boy, I must have been asleep during the whole thing! I have never, and would never, act inappropriately towards anyone, either here at work, or outside of it. I have worked with mostly men my whole career, and never had this happen before. So, bye bye to another friend.

Then, Mom asked me, with a short notice, to come to Kansas and pack her. Okay, so the 'gotta pack, gotta clean, gotta figure out where I am going to get my protien, will I have enough strength to drive there, to pack her, where will I do all the special Easter things for R&R, am I ready to close the chapter of my life that the farm represents' thoughts flooded me.

If that wasn't enough, I am sensing that the church I have chosen isn't a good fit for us. I am the only single mother, I apparently am not in the same income bracket as they are, and when I gave my testimony I was looking into faces that could not even fathom going through anything other than get married, have kids, be a stay at home Mom. Then there is the fact that all the women dress in dresses and I prefer slacks during the winter. Did I mention we live 3 towns away?

Oh, and as a topper, my body is going haywire, I am probably going through menapause (which I could care less about, other than now I am thinking about osteoperosis & weak bones). Don't forget the big case of the blah's I have had.

So, to sum up, one less friend (of the 3 I had!), switching back to our old church, rushing home and possibly facing a flare up of my Anorexia, no planning for Easter. Easter - well, the bunny needs to bring socks for R&R this year (sad to say they are excited about it), and a small purse for Ms. R, and Mr. R's first wallet, and what will we bake this year for our traditional Easter goody?


That was my screaming.

Monday, February 28, 2005

Enjoying Everything in His Kingdom

My big sis, an ever constant source of inspiration to me, sparked a knowledge question in my head some time ago. The following spoke to me of her:

Having something to talk about is central to the mission of a purpose-driven Christian. And that's not just having the Lord to talk about. It's having other things to talk about too. I'm not sure how this has occurred, but Christians have gotten the reputation of being anything but well-rounded, well-read, and well-informed. This is sad, not only for our mission, but for our own enjoyment of the kingdom of God in the world. Whatever happens, this is still "My Father's World," as the hymn writer said it, and God is to be experienced in all things, not just in religion or those things labeled "Christian."The more things a person has to talk about, the more people that person has the opportunity to know. It's our inquisitiveness, our desire to constantly learn and grow, and our universal love for people and what makes them display the image of God that should make Christians the most interesting people in the world to talk to. Even if it's only about the weather.

Saturday, February 26, 2005


And here is the key to opening my inertia:

We often stray far from the source of our living water, the hectic pace of life often stops us being nourished from the well. But in the bits and pieces of our everyday lives we can make ourselves present to God’s unconditional love, we can satisfy our thirst with His living waterWe often stray far from the source of our living water, the hectic pace of life often stops us being nourished from the well. But in the bits and pieces of our everyday lives we can make ourselves present to God’s unconditional love, we can satisfy our thirst with His living water

There are moments when we can speak without saying much and so avoid the embarrassing truth of what we have been doing or what we are thinking or feeling. However, the living water on offer in today's gospel is a life of intimate relationship with God. A relationship grows in intimacy when each is open and honest with the other. This takes trust and courage. Maybe life has taught you that it is risky to be honest and perhaps with some people it is necessary to hide your true thoughts and feelings. However, risky though it may feel, there is no need to hide from God.

Nothing about you, however shameful it may seem, is beyond the healing power of God's love. The inadequacies, the failings and misdeeds you may try so hard to hide are written, in chocolate, all over your face for God to see. God only waits for you to come and to speak about what's really going on for you, before cleaning your dirty face and very gently helping you to learn from your experience. The biggest learning? You're a mess but God loves you anyway and wants to spend time with you – just as you are.

I know what to do - please let me do it.


I feel as if I am in limbo - the mind, soul, and body see to be asleep.

What am I waiting for?

God, please help me.

Monday, February 21, 2005


Okay, so here is the deal - I know what I need to do now, thanks to the very intuitive mentoring by my oldest sis, and by God revealing through his word, through messages on the radio and through church.


Sounds simple, doesn't it? Yet something so simple seems to be so hard to release. He has given me all the tools I need - they are sitting there, waiting to be picked up. What in the world am I waiting for? Why am I so afraid to let go? I cried today, a miracle in itself, but it stopped there. R&R are growing fast, and my time frame is very short. How much more am I going to let myself suffer due to my fear?

I was once told I was a human doing and not a human being. Too true, unfortunately. Give me something to do, and I will do it. Ask me how I feel, and to experience something, emotionally, spiritually, and I will give you a blank stare.

Let's face it, God is in control, and until I come to grips with that, nothing will work.

Another nugget tossed to me this weekend, was that how you will approach your relationship with God depends on how you viewed your mother. Yikes - that explains a lot, as I always thought of Mom as too submissive and weak (that is what I used to think - not now.)

Praise God he is a God of endless chances.

Tears and Healing

On a fun and interesting survey that Twila sent me a few weeks ago, a question on the survey asked 'when was the last time you cried?' My answer was that I couldn't remember, but it had to be within the last 4 years.
I have a new answer now. It was 2 minutes ago.
Why? My brother, Doug. He has such anger in him, such unforgiveness. As a result he lashed out at me, and hung up on me. In the process of getting Mom & Dad to think about selling the farm, and settling in town, I apparently approached it in less than, per Doug, a good way. My intent was to let Mom and Dad make their own decisions, and not to rush them, or push them into anything, but to get the ball rolling. In doing so, I made, per Doug, he and Tony angry.
This caused discord between Mom and I, and I ended up letting the siblings in Kansas know that I wouldn't be able to help with the process, as I felt it was best for me, being in Colorado, not to be involved. In that discord with Mom, I did something that was wrong, and hung up on her. I do not make it a practice to hang up on anyone, and I think the only other time I have was with Robert. I was convicted a few hours after that, and called her to ask her forgiveness, and we actually became closer after we resolved this.
However, Mom made the mistake of telling Doug, and he, aparently, is furious with me.
Doug and I were, at one time, very close, but after my divorce with Edward (which he held against me for years), we lost that closeness.
I have reached out to him over the years, and that is why I called him this morning, because I do love him.
That is why it hurt so much to realize that I had done something that.

After a while, Doug called back, and we were able to talk about it, and a lot of healing occurred.

Would it have occurred it I had not been able to cry?

I have to tell you that in my heart, I don't think so.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005


I donated blood today for the first time in 20 years. Painful, but something I felt lead to do, especially since I was in charge of the blood drive.

A friend told me that he has observed that I give of myself tremendously. That in itself seemed impossible, as I feel so very self-centered so much. He, however, gave specific examples, of which I could not dispute.

However, he didn't stop there (did I tell you he is my Brother in Christ?) He let me know that though I give, I must learn to receive.

Receive? How? It makes me so uncomfortable, as it always implies ties, and I know that it would mean making myself vulnerable to pain.

How? Jesus, please help me!

Who Do You Work For?

Howard Hendricks encountered the following while travelling home on a plane that was delayed for six hours. Even though the flight crew was not responsible for the delay, one disgruntled passenger chose to take out his frustration on a flight attendant. Dr. Hendricks walked back to the galley to talk to her and said:

"You know, I'm a frequent flyer, and I'm always looking fo somebody doing a good job. American Airlines should be proud to have you on the team. I cannot believe how nicely you handled this obnoxious character sitting across from me.
"She smiled and said, "Thank you very much."
Then I asked, "Could I have your name? I would like to write the company and tell them how much I appreciate you."
"Oh," she said,"I wouldn't. You need to know that I don't work for American Airlines.""Oh, really?""No, I represent the Lord Jesus Christ."

All true believers in Jesus are His representatives in this world. If we are to be effective as His agents, we must be people of character, and we must seek to honor others above ourselves. As we embrace those values, we will be better able to recognize—or form—a church that embodies them. Unlike others, we'll view church programs as extensions of the heart of the church—as places where we can serve rather than be served.

Work from the heart for your real Master, for God, confident that you'll get paid in full when you come into your inheritance. Keep in mind always that the ultimate master you're serving is Christ.—Colossians 3:23, MSG